TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town Traditionally known for historic tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It will be great. Large!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed in the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and completely away from location. Intended by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable drinking water. But Of course, guaranteed, let us have another location in which American Gentlemen can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When preceding negotiations failed underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is less complicated: supply All people a collection over the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is delicate energy," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms mounted in each device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity famous, "It isn't that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It can be that he need to prevent making use of it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested concerning the undertaking, replied, "You already know, man, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic individuals. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit in the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the hotel's landscaping forms a large Trump head seen from Room, a function becoming marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents along with the chin is… effectively, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits Trump Tower Damascus just after getting the setting up's gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is not simply unsightly. It is a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Puzzling Attributes


Probably the strangest ingredient on the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where by visitors may perhaps contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local climate Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Regional Syrians are Not sure what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Method: "When you Bomb It, They can Arrive"


The advert campaign, just lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is For good."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll done inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "exactly where's the nearest elevator to the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"


The venture is already attracting notice from Global traders, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll invest in 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial amount will even include:




  • A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait to view a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a resort where my PTSD might have convert-down company."


Yet another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Reviews counsel:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to make a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Feelings with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that included 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It necessary gold. It needed a waterslide shaped similar to the Constitution. I gave everything 3. You happen to be welcome."

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